Suspiria

Suspiria doesn't waste any time in getting started.  American ballet student Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) arrives in Germany to attend a prestigious dance academy.  When she arrives at the academy, she witnesses a frantic young woman screaming and fleeing from the school into the deep darkness and pouring rain.  The young woman finds refuge at a friend's place - or so it seems, until someone or something tracks her down, brutally stabs her, hangs her, and throws her body through a stained-glass ceiling window.  And all this before Suzy even arrives at school!  Things only go downhill from there, and Suzy begins to suspect that her new school may be more than just a simple dance academy.

The plot is interesting, but hardly developed.  The film plays out like a nightmarish journey in which no one - the characters, the viewer, perhaps director Dario Argento himself - knows where they're going.  Odd scenes involving maggots and bat attacks are included without explanation.  The death scenes are implausible and don't hold up well under scrutiny.  After the fact, questions like, "Why would a school have a room dedicated entirely to housing nothing but barbed wire (which looked surprisingly free of barbs anyway)?" will surely pop up, but when you're in the moment, those questions will be far from your mind.  Suspiria is more about the visual impact anyway.

Much has been said about Argento's brilliant use of color.  Many of the school's long and winding hallways and rooms are awash in bright reds, strong greens, and deep blues.  This adds a whole other dimension to the film, making it a feast for the eyes.  And ears; it's impossible to discuss Suspiria without mentioning the soundtrack by Goblin, which consists of creepy, chanted "La la la la"'s over a background of sinister bells, punctuated by growls of "Witch!" and bursts of synthesized keyboards.  It adds much to the film; I doubt it would be as effective without the music.  As for the spoken audio, I know it was the norm for films of this type, but the English dubbing is somewhat distracting.

Suspiria is very light on plot development, and the character development is pretty much nonexistent.  Instead, the film is a progressively over-the-top build-up to a somewhat rushed and tacked-on conclusion.  Suspiria is certainly not without its flaws, but the visuals and audio make for an eerily atmospheric, surreal experience, one which you surely won't be able to forget.


The DVD from Anchor Bay contains a good amount of extras, including theatrical trailers, TV and radio spots, biographies of the major players, a still gallery, and a rather entertaining Daemonia music video.  The biographies are more in-depth than the usual DVD bios, which consist of nothing more than a list of film credits, offering some interesting information; for example, Harper turned down a role in Annie Hall to star in Suspiria.

 

Deadly Friend

One of director Wes Craven's lesser-known films, 1986's Deadly Friend is the story of Paul Conway (Matthew Laborteaux), a teenager who moves to a new town with his mother Jeannie.  He's studying brain surgery at a local college and seems to know more than the professor, teaching the class at one point.  He's also built BB, a talking, artificially intelligent robot.  When he's not busy doing genius stuff, Paul is making new friends in neighborhood kids Tom and Sam (Kristy Swanson).  Paul and Sam like each other, but their romance never really gets started thanks to Sam's abusive alcoholic father.  When Sam shows up on the Conways' doorstep, bloodied after taking a punch to the nose, both Jeannie and Paul do nothing to stop the abuse. 

Eventually, Sam ends up dead at her father's hands, and BB ends up blown to bits after a Halloween prank goes wrong.  Tom blames himself for BB's demise, as he was the one who handed BB the basketball, which the poor robot then tossed into the yard of the shotgun-wielding neighborhood crazy Elvira Parker (Anne Ramsey).  To redeem himself, he agrees to assist Paul in drugging his mother (apparently saying they were hanging out at Tom's house wasn't a good enough excuse), stealing Sam's body, and implanting BB's microchip into her brain in order to bring her back to life.  Tom is perhaps the truest friend in the history of cinema.  After the surgery is completed, and the zombie/robot Frankenstein monster has been unleashed, Tom actually asks Paul if they're even now.  Paul confirms that they are.

The potential for a good story is there, but it fails for a number of reasons.  First of all, there's really no sense of romance between Paul and Sam, just a feeling that they're good friends.  In fact, Paul seems more upset about BB's "death," hysterically sobbing and wailing, than he does about Sam's demise.  The makeup is laughable, with Swanson sporting blue eye shadow around her eyes to show the audience that she's dead.  Interestingly, she still has a full head of hair following the brain surgery.  Even though he's a marvel of modern science, BB knows only one word - his name; the rest of the time, he splurts gibberish, sounding like a robotic Tasmanian Devil.  Naturally, he speaks almost the entire time he's on screen.

Furthermore, and reportedly due to studio interference, the tone is all over the place; it's a tragic love story with a few Nightmare on Elm Street-lite dream sequences, random comical murders (including a basketball which shatters a woman's head as if it were a bloody piñata), and a baffling final shot which seems to set up a (thankfully, never-realized) sequel.  The tacked-on finale is doubly disappointing because, had it ended a scene earlier, it would have been predictable, but effective.

Ultimately, Deadly Friend's biggest flaw is that it just can't decide what it wants to be.  Is it a warning against the dangers of technology, a sad tale about child abuse, or a hilariously campy cheesefest?  Um... yes?

Slashers

Released in 2001, but originally conceived in 1998, Slashers' premise was ahead of its time.  An extreme Japanese reality/game show called $la$her$ invites contestants to compete for fabulous cash prizes.  The only catch is, they have to elude the masked murderers trying to do them in.

This time around, there are six contestants, all Americans, and three killers:  wild redneck Chainsaw Charlie, twisted priest Preacherman, and psychotic Dr. Ripper.  The contestants include law student Megan (Sarah Joslyn Crowder), level-headed Devon (Tony Curtis Blondell), preppy Michael (Kieran Keller), model Brenda (Sofia de Medeiros), tough guy Rick (Jerry Sprio), and tough girl Rebecca (Carolina Pla).

Slashers' biggest flaw is in its characters and acting.  The contestants are clichés; most are grating and annoying, while some are okay - not well-developed or interesting, by any means, but relatively inoffensive.  The worst is Megan; Crowder whines, scrunches up her eyes, and delivers each line, taking deep breaths in between words as if it pains her.  The killers, though, fare better.  They're introduced as celebrities, with throngs of cheering, banner-waving fans welcoming their arrival.  Each has their own distinct personality, especially surprising considering that two of the three (Chainsaw Charlie and Preacherman) are played by the same actor (Nick Napier).

Slashers is shot on video, but this works in the film's favor, adding to the feeling that the audience is actually watching a cheesy reality game show on TV.  Adding to the effect are the sugary, upbeat theme song, with its cheery refrain "They're never gonna last!" and the peppy, perky host Miho, who wears a Statue of Liberty get-up, complete with headdress and torch.  The action even pauses for commerical breaks - literally, as the contestants and slashers must freeze in place until the break is over.

It's also worth mentioning that Slashers is filmed in a way that makes it seem like one continuous shot with no cuts, adding to the illusion that cameraman Hideo is traveling with the contestants.  Because there are only six contestants, most of the blood and guts are displayed in the show's opening montage.  The effects are low-budget, but there is plenty of blood splattering and spurting, spilling guts, and even a body sawed clean in half.

Writer/director/editor Maurice Devereaux comes up with some great ideas and seems to have a real love for filmmaking.  Budget constraints prevent Slashers from being as legitimately good as it could have been, but, as it is, it's a very fun guilty pleasure, a brilliant premise with a flawed execution.


The DVD is loaded with special features, including an in-depth making of documentary, deleted scenes, director's commentary, trailers, and some oddities, such as an Inside the Actors Studio-style interview with Chainsaw Charlie and an interactive soundtrack that allows the viewer to pick and choose which tracks they want to listen to.

Jason X

I finally watched Jason X.  I'd seen all of the Friday the 13ths in the '90s, but skipped Jason X when it came out.  I saw Freddy vs. Jason and the Friday reboot when they were released, but still I didn't give Jason X a chance.  Now that I have, I must say I'm glad that I did because that means I can review it and never watch it again.

While the earlier Paramount sequels were basically the same thing over and over again - Jason stalking and slashing a bunch of camp counselors - New Line's first venture, Jason Goes to Hell, which attempted to do something new, was full of fail.  In Jason X, the indestructible zombie mongoloid is cryogenically frozen for 400+ years.  He is presumed dead, but when two teenagers on a space ship start bumping uglies, Jason awakes to fulfill his duty to kill them immediately.

The futuristic setting really does not work for Jason.  This feels very much like a Sci Fi Channel (or Syfy, as it's called now for some reason) original movie, with lousy acting, effects, and story.  The body count is high, but few of the kills are interesting.  The best involves Jason shoving a girl headfirst into some liquid nitrogen, then smashing her face.  In a fun take on the "sleeping bag kill" from Part VII, Jason beats two drug/alcohol/premarital sex-loving girls to death while they're still in their sleeping bags.  Unfortunately, the rest of the 20+ kills are forgettable.

Only a fool would go into a film about Jason in space expecting it to be good, but it's not even bad in an entertaining way.  A film featuring David Cronenberg and an android whose nipples fall off should not be boring, but somehow Jason X manages to be just that.  And now I'm suddenly thinking about the possibilities had the movie featured David Cronenberg as an android whose nipples fall off...

Instead, we are subjected to watching a bunch of people we don't care about wandering around a cheesy-looking space ship set.  Jason X does get one thing right - it has a character deliver a line of dialogue which summarizes the film perfectly: "This sucks on so many levels!"

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

After Paramount sold the Friday the 13th franchise to New Line, one might think the studio would do a Freddy vs. Jason crossover, as both Friday and Nightmare on Elm Street were now owned by the same studio.  Instead, New Line gave audiences... this - 1993's Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

Jason is taken out by the FBI (there's even an airstrike, prompting me to wonder just who in the hell authorized such things), and his body is blown to bits.  However, a coroner is entranced by his blackened heart and chows down on the thing (the heart, not Jason's penis, although we do get a view of that).  It is soon revealed that Jason is actually a shapeshifter who must hop bodies when his current vessel gets weak.  And he is unstoppable, because, as we discover, only a Voorhees can kill him.  Fortunately, Jason just so happens to have a sister (never mentioned in the eight prior installments), Diana, whose daughter Jessica (Kari Keegan) is separated from Steven (John LeMay), the father of her baby. 

Jessica is dating Robert, a newscaster who landed an interview with Creighton Duke (Steven Williams), the also never before mentioned Jason expert/bounty hunter.  Duke gives up some vital information in exchange for the opportunity to break some of Steven's fingers.  Now Steven must convince Jessica that she is the only one who can stop Jason with a mystical dagger during a final battle in the Voorhees house.

It seems like no one involved with the production of this film had any idea just what to do with it, so they just threw in everything they could think on, hoping it would somehow gel together.  The story gets increasingly more ridiculous as it goes along, and it really doesn't feel like a Friday the 13th film thanks to the almost complete absence of Jason in his own body.  Which might be a good thing actually, as the normally-silent Jason grunts and groans like a monkey during the film's opening. 

The original script didn't include any teenagers getting slaughtered in the woods, but one sequence was added based on test audiences' demands.  This scene includes what is easily the best kill in the film, as a girl is sliced right up the middle as she rides her boyfriend.  The rest of the violence comes about when Jason is transferring his essence (read: grimy slug monster) to his victims so he can take over their bodies.  At one point, this involves Jason strapping some dude to a table, giving him a nice clean shave, and leaning in for an open-mouthed kiss.

I could go on about the inconsistencies and stupidity, but I'd be here for days.  This film is pretty much a complete waste of time.  None of the details from the convoluted plot are mentioned in any of the previous or follow-up Jason flicks (yes, shockingly, this was, like 1984's The Final Chapter, not so final), so it's best to just skip The Final Friday and pretend it never happened.