Slumber Party Massacre

Slumber Party Massacre is a true '80s slasher classic.  Refreshingly, the film doesn't pretend to be something it's not.  It incorporates all of the usual slasher cliches, but with a healthy dose of humor.  As a result, it's a lot of fun.

The story is simple and familiar - an escaped mental patient is stalking a group of hot young things.  This time around, the killer is a short dude with an oversized drill, and his victims are frequently topless "teens" (who look to be in their mid-to-late '20s) at a slumber party hosted by popular chick Trish (Michele Michaels), whose parents have left her alone for the weekend.  The invitees include a select group of Trish's athletic basketball teammates, but not the new girl Valerie (Robin Stille), whom Diane dislikes because "she drinks too much milk."  Coincidentally, Valerie happens to live next door to Trish, so she and her disturbingly horny little sis Courtney are right in the midst of the action.

Interestingly, the screenplay was written by feminist Rita Mae Brown, who intended for her script to be a parody of the slasher genre.  Instead, it was filmed as a straight-up slasher, so it both follows and subverts the rules of the genre.  The guys are weak and ineffectual, with serious manhood issues, and their onscreen deaths are more brutal than the girls'.  Most of the girls are likeable, and they're not complete weaklings as they band together to fight back against their attacker.  There's even humor to be found in the requisite nude scenes.  The camera lingers just a bit too long on one girl's butt, and the dialogue includes "I think your tits are getting bigger," to which a chorus of girls excitedly ask, "Mine?"

There are plenty of hilariously quotable lines and darkly humorous moments.  For example, as the girls gather around one of the driller killer's victims, a dead pizza delivery guy, one murmurs, "He's so cold."  "Is the pizza?" asks another, before picking up the pizza box, plopping it down on the corpse, and chowing down on a slice.

Even if the deaths aren't particularly gory, the body count is high (with the word "massacre" in the title, it has to be), and there are some memorable moments, including severed body parts, some eyeball-gouging, and plenty of driller action.  Some of the scenes, notably a pre-slumber party stalk through the high school, are actually rather tense and creepy.

Though Slumber Party Massacre appears to be just another sleazy, low-budget slasher, it's funny, entertaining, and smart, with a good balance of humor and horror.  It never elevates itself above its B-movie level, but it's everything a campy slasher should be.

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is a film that knows what its audience expects, but does the exact opposite.  It takes place in the woods, with a group of college students and some hillbillies, but this time, the hillbillies are not psychos; in fact, they're genuinely good guys who wind up being terrorized by the kids.  It's a film that had the potential to be either a really funny spoof or just another stupid horror film; fortunately, it falls firmly into the former category.

Tucker and Dale are two friends who are looking forward to spending a weekend at their new vacation home, doing repairs, going fishing, and having some beers.  Also vacationing in the woods is a group of college students, who, through a series of comic misunderstandings, come to believe that Tucker and Dale are crazy hillbillies.  As they try to avoid being murdered, the kids end up slaughtering themselves in front of the shocked hillbillies, who come to the conclusion that the kids have made some kind of suicide pact.

This is writer/director Eli Craig's first film, which is surprising, as he gets so much right.  The movie cleverly pokes fun at the genre, with great dialogue and so many hilarious scenes.  Much of the humor comes from the parties' misperceptions of each other.  They first cross paths at a gas station.  Dale is taken with Allison, and Tucker urges his friend to go over and talk to her, reminding him, "Whatever you say, smile and laugh.  That shows confidence."  So Dale approaches the kids, carrying a scythe, and asks if they're going camping, his voice inflecting as he chuckles nervously.  Later, Tucker and Dale are fishing and witness Allison fall and hit her head on a rock.  The two rescue her and pull her into their boat, calling out, "We got your friend!" to the terrified kids, who assume that Allison has been kidnapped.  One kid later claims, "It was really dark, but it looked like one of the guys was... eating her face off."

As the kids attempt to rescue their friend, they end up dying as a result of their own stupidity.  Dale witnesses one impaling himself with a spear, while Tucker sees another dive headfirst into a woodchipper.  The deaths are certainly bloody, but they're made hilarious by the horrified reactions of the hillbillies, who must fight for their lives against the crazed kids.

The acting is another of the film's strengths.  Tyler Labine and Alan Tudyk are both excellent in their roles.  Tucker is the more outgoing and sarcastic of the two, while Dale is a gentle, sweet guy.  They have a great chemistry and are obviously the stars of the film.  Katrina Bowden is cute and likable, while Jesse Moss overacts as the increasingly deranged leader of the college kids.  The other kids aren't given much to do except act scared, which they do well.

I was surprised at just how much I enjoyed Tucker and Dale.  It's hard to remember the last time a movie made me laugh so hard.  Horror-comedies are really hard to get right, but Tucker and Dale vs. Evil is hilarious, clever, and great fun from start to finish.  Definitely one of the best horror movies of the last few years.

Senseless

American businessman Elliott Gast (Jason Behr) is kidnapped and imprisoned in a completely white cell.  His captors reveal that they are broadcasting Elliott’s imprisonment on the Internet to raise money for their terrorist activities.  They don’t plan to kill him; instead, they want to change him by taking away what means the most to him – his senses. 

As Elliott, Jason Behr must carry the film, a difficult task as he spends almost the entire movie in a (rather large) cell, with nothing to do besides wait for the next act of violence to befall him.  It is an impressive performance.  His character is flawed but sympathetic, and his visible deterioration throughout the experience is realistically difficult to watch.

Presumably, the audience knows what the five senses are, so we know what is going to happen to Elliott.  Thanks to the movie poster and DVD cover, we also know the method used for eliminating his last sense.  This is disappointing because, aside from the torture, there is not a whole lot going on in Senseless.  It is never really clear what exactly Elliott’s captors stand for.  It seems that they chose Elliott as their victim because he’s a capitalist American businessman, but the group is only too happy to capitalize on his suffering by using him to raise money for their operations (exactly what these are is never explained).

I get that it’s a commentary on reality TV culture and desensitization, but the fact that the torture is being streamed on the Internet is preposterous.  I don’t mean that it’s unbelievable that people would watch it (sadly, I’m sure they would), but his imprisonment lasts for more than a month, with newspaper articles and campaigners calling for his release.  Surely someone would be able to trace where the Internet transmissions were coming from and step in to save him. 

Director Simon Hynd makes some interesting choices, but doesn’t fully commit to them.  When Elliott is stripped of his hearing, Hynd alternates between entirely silent passages, sequences where the sound is muffled, and scenes where… the sound is completely normal.  It would have been much more effective if the sound design had remained consistent.  Ultimately, Senseless has an interesting premise, but the movie is too flawed to really recommend.

Gremlins

1984's Gremlins is an interesting blend of horror and comedy which doesn't readily fit into either of those categories.  I consider it a comedy, but a lot of the humor is too dark for some; it has scenes of little creatures getting diced up and nuked in the microwave, but it's probably not going to keep you awake with nightmares.  It's the perfect blend of evil and cute, in other words, the movie equivalent of me.

Rand Peltzer (Hoyt Axton), an inventor whose inventions never quite work out the way they're supposed to, is on the hunt for that perfect Christmas present for his son Billy (Zach Galligan). He makes a deal with an antique store owner's (Keye Luke) grandson and leaves with a Mogwai, a cute little furry pet who looks like a Furby.

All is happy and well when Gizmo is introduced to the Peltzer household, that is until the three cardinal rules of Mogwai care -- keep him away from bright lights, don't get him wet, and never feed him after midnight -- are broken.  Things get really bad when Billy's friend (Corey Feldman) spills water on Gizmo, causing a bunch of Mogwai to pop out of Gizmo's back.  These new guys are different from Gizmo and deceive Billy into feeding them after midnight, causing them to go into a pupal stage from which they emerge feral Mogwai.

And these critters are bent on destruction. Stringing family dog Barney up with Christmas lights is nothing compared to plowing down the local nutcase who's insisted that there are gremlins in the machinery.  Or getting revenge on the teacher who took a blood sample from one of the critters by sticking a needle in a choice place.  That's one of my favorite things about this film -- there are so many deaths, but none of them feel scary; they're so appropriate and twisted that you just have to laugh.  Same goes for Billy's romantic interest Kate (Phoebe Cates), who relates to Billy how she stopped believing in Santa with a tale that's disturbing yet funny.

Now, Gremlins is not quite a perfect film.  There are some plot holes (if water spawns gremlins, why can they run through snow without multiplying?), and the majority of the actors are outshone by a group of animated creatures.  But it's easy to ignore these faults when you get to see the gremlins watching and singing along to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or terrorizing the townspeople, including the local DJ ("You're not a Rockin' Ricky fan!").  Of course, a lot of the humor is dark, and there is quite a bit of violence (particularly the gremlin deaths), making its marketing as a kids' movie questionable, but it's an excellent film for anyone who likes the idea of a completely warped, evil version of It's a Wonderful Life.

Killer Workout

Capitalizing on both the aerobics and slasher crazes of the era, writer/director David Prior unleashed his 1986 masterpiece Killer Workout, also released under the equally appealing title Aerbocide, with the tagline, "They came to get their bodies into the best shape of their lives... too bad they'll never have the chance to enjoy it."

The story begins with a model receiving the news that she's gotten a job shooting for Vogue magazine in Paris.  She rushes off to the tanning salon, but our young lass is soon sizzling and crackling, the victim of a tanning bed malfunction.  Cut to Rhonda's Workout, a successful gym with a clientele consisting of many scantily-clad, busty women and one fat person on an exercise bike (who is, of course, only shown for about ten seconds). 

Things are going great for Rhonda (Marcia Karr), until dead bodies start piling up in her gym.  Actually, the dead bodies don't really have an effect on business, as the gym continues to open every day, and the same clients keep returning, risking their lives to get their workouts in.  Also returning is the lone cop assigned to the case, the super angry Detective Morgan (David James Campbell).  Sample dialogue: "Get over to the lab and tell that college boy that if he doesn't have that report in thirty minutes, I'm going to come over there and do an autopsy on his face!"

The body count is pretty high, reaching into the double digits, and the kills come in a variety of ways: throat slashings, stabbings, shootings.  However, the murderer's weapon of choice is one of the most simultaneously lame yet awesome tools of destruction in the history of slashers - a large safety pin.  That's right, an item which should cause no damage aside from a slight irritation at being poked, and which could easily be snatched out of the murderer's hand.  Hilariously bad death scenes, including a Psycho-styled shower, alternate with leering closeup shots of women, boobs jiggling as they gyrate and lunge.

Killer Workout doesn't waste time on silly things like character development; more often than not, characters are killed in their very first scene.  However, this flick is rarely boring; there's always some kind of nonsense going on to hold the audience's attention.  For example, there are numerous guy-on-guy fistfights, one of which incorporates a rake; a girl who keeps a red corded telephone in the middle of her outdoor garden; a mortician who chirps, "See you tomorrow!" as he totes away the latest victim; an employee who fails to prevent a murder because she's too busy playing with some dude's jock strap; a relentless bubblegum synth-pop soundtrack, including a title track with the lyrics, "Aerobicide, workin' out until you diiie;" and a guy who tries to stop a car speeding towards him by pulling out his gun and shooting at it.  He does not succeed.

Obviously, Killer Workout is never scary, and it's impossible to take seriously, but it's also ridiculously cheesy and good for a laugh.  Recommended for slasher die-hards, although the film is unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) not currently available on DVD.

Curtains

After a three-year production involving rewrites and reshoots, Curtains was finally released to theatres in 1983, where it was largely ignored.  While it’s far from perfect, it deserves better than to languish in slasher obscurity.

Famous director Jonathan Stryker (John Vernon) is preparing to direct “Audra,” a film about an actress who goes mad.  Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggar) wants the part so badly that the two concoct a plan to have Samantha fake insanity to get committed to a mental institution so she can really get into character.  Being tormented by giggling madwomen who tickle her and steal her jigsaw puzzle pieces takes its toll on Samantha, and Stryker abandons her in the asylum and moves on with the production, inviting six women to spend a weekend at his mansion to audition for the part.  When Samantha discovers his plan (via a friend whose face is never revealed), she is furious, and, with the help of her unseen friend, she breaks out and makes her way to the mansion, where, as it turns out, only five young starlets have arrived; the sixth never made it to the casting call.

Curtains has a truly spooky, unsettling atmosphere thanks to its isolated setting and some effective imagery.  A creepy, sad-looking doll appears before some of the murders, while the killer herself is equally creepy and memorable under an old hag mask.  In the film’s most effective sequence, a woman is pursued through a snowy landscape by the killer in broad daylight.   

The final chase through a labyrinthine prop house is also well done and suspenseful.  However, the impact was lessened as I tried to figure out just who it was who was being chased.  Some of the women are given no background and barely any lines and as such are completely indistinguishable from one another.  The whole thing with Samantha’s faceless friend is bizarre; I thought maybe she would turn out to be one of the actresses or the killer, but she doesn’t appear again.  Additionally, one guy is introduced and soon forgotten, killed off-screen at some point.

There isn’t much blood or gore, aside from a decapitated head in the toilet, which one of the women discovers and reports to Stryker.  He comforts her with his penis.  This is after he’s auditioned several of the other actresses by having one seduce him with her eyes and another play the role of a man seducing a woman.  There isn’t any nudity, aside from a bare breast, but there are more than a few strange sexual situations.  Aside from the sleaziness that is Stryker, the sequence with the actress who doesn’t make it to the mansion reveals that she is rather kinky.  Her boyfriend pretends to be a rapist intruder, but this bores her, as does his offer to play a pizza delivery boy – “The pepperoni always gets stuck to my ass,” she complains.  Finally, he suggests one sex game that they haven’t tried – Pac-Man, but that is too much for her, and she draws the line.

The troubled production results in a flawed final product, but the unique setting, disturbing killer, murder mystery, and video game sex fantasies are enough to differentiate Curtains from the many other slashers out there.

The Psycho Legacy

Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho has seen its share of special edition releases packed with bonus features (and rightfully so, because it's an excellent film).  The sequels, on the other hand, received no such attention (until the recent Blu-Ray releases of Psychos II and III).  Psycho fan Robert V. Galluzzo sought to correct that with 2010's The Psycho Legacy.

The documentary examines the original film, as well as its three sequels.  I suppose it can't really be called comprehensive since there is no mention of the remake, but the remake was awful and deserves to be forgotten.

Sadly, most of the players from the original have passed on, but Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, and Hitchcock appear in archive footage.  Assistant director Hilton A. Green is interviewed, and it's interesting to hear about his involvement with the series (he also served as producer on all of the sequels).  Mick Garris, who directed the fourth Psycho, is the series' only surviving director, but all of the films are well represented by other cast and crew members who show up to share their recollections.  Psycho II screenwriter Tom Holland expresses his admiration of the original and his desire to do a decent job in one of his earliest gigs.  Psycho III actor Jeff Fahey is a lot of fun as he explains just how his bizarre lamp foreplay scene came about.

 

Most people have fond memories of the series, but the documentary is not merely a piece of PR fluff.  Garris mentions the tension between himself and Perkins, who wanted to direct Psycho IV, and he discusses the difficult yet rewarding experience.  Perkins apparently didn't get along with Meg Tilly, who played the female lead in Psycho II, but she unfortunately doesn't appear in the doc to comment.

The Psycho Legacy moves breezily at a lean 87 minutes, and it doesn't waste time with plot summaries and clips from the movies, which is a common pitfall of these sorts of documentaries.  Instead, the focus is on interviews with the key players - and some random commentators, such as Joe Lynch, director of Wrong Turn 2.  What is with this guy?  He also popped up in His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th, and he didn't have anything interesting to say there either.

The occasional odd interviewee choice aside, The Psycho Legacy is solid, and when it was over, I was left wanting more.  Fortunately, the DVD release comes with a bonus disc which is packed with extra features.  These include a visit to the Bates motel and house, a look at one fan's legit collection of memorabilia (fun fact: the "Mother" corpse from Psycho II comes equipped with pubic hair), and an interview with Psycho II cinematographer Dean Cundey, who does not appear in the documentary itself.  The best extra is a 1980s Q&A session with Perkins, who is candid, funny, and charismatic.  This delightful feature is worth the cost of the disc alone.

The Burning

At first glance, 1981's The Burning appears to be another Friday the 13th ripoff, with a disfigured killer targeting a bunch of kids at a summer camp.  In fact, the film is actually based on the urban legend of the Cropsey maniac, a New York boogeyman figure.

A group of campers plays a prank on their mean caretaker, Cropsy.  And what a prank it is.  These kids somehow obtain a human skull and place little candles inside it, then set the skull by Cropsy's bed and knock on his window until he wakes up, freaks out because there's a human skull with little candles inside it, and knocks it over, resulting in poor Cropsy sustaining some severe burns.  He spends the next five years in a hospital, where he is attended to by a staff member who describes him as "a fucking Big Mac - overdone!"  Eventually, Cropsy is released and makes his way back to camp to have his revenge (on a bunch of kids who had nothing to do with the prank, but they'll do in a pinch).

A bit of trivia: The Burning was one of the first films from Miramax's Harvey and Bob Weinstein.  The film's young cast includes Jason Alexander and Holly Hunter in a blink-and-you'll-miss-her appearance.  Alexander is the comic relief, while Brian Backus is the weird kid who spies on girls in the shower.  I'd assume most guys at the camp would do the same thing, but apparently not.  Most of the kids are fairly likable, so we almost don't want them to die. 

Tom Savini's special effects are impressive, with Cropsy's preferred weapon - a pair of garden shears - creating some gruesome aftermath.  The highlight of the film is the raft sequence, in which five kids are massacred in under a minute.  Cropsy makes for a pretty cool villain, and while his makeup might not be the most realistic, his horribly burned visage is memorable, and he'd be a sympathetic character were it not for the occasional murders.

There was no shortage of slasher movies in the '80s, but The Burning is an enjoyably nasty little number that stands out thanks to its memorable villain, great gore effects, and awesome soundtrack by Yes keyboardist Rick Wakeman.  Even the trailer is entertaining and must have served as inspiration for the Grindhouse "Don't" trailer.

Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th

Based on Peter Bracke's acclaimed book (which I have not read), Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th is a comprehensive overview of the slasher franchise, which consists of 12 films and a TV series.  Writer/director Daniel Farrands was also responsible for the awesome Nightmare on Elm Street doc Never Sleep Again, and Crystal Lake Memories is even longer than NSA, clocking in at 400 minutes (almost seven hours).

Farrands has assembled an impressive selection of interviewees, including actors, directors, producers, effects artists, editors, and casting directors.  Notable absences include Steve Miner, who directed the second and third Fridays, Kevin Bacon, who appeared in the original, and Crispin Glover, who was the best thing about the fourth Friday.  Of course, none of these guys ever agree to be interviewed about their involvement in these films, so their absence is hardly unexpected.

Friday IV star Corey Feldman narrates and appears in a pair of corny campfire scenes which bookend the film.  Each film gets its own chapter, ranging from about 20 to 40 minutes.  Generally, the earlier films get the longer segments, while the later films are shorter (Parts VII, VIII, Jason Goes to Hell, and Jason X get under 30 minutes each).  This is fitting, as those films aren't exactly the best the franchise has to offer.  On the other hand, the material covered early on is mostly old news to Friday fans, especially because Crystal Lake Memories includes recycled interviews from the Deluxe Edition DVD releases, as well as the 2009 documentary His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th.

That doesn't mean that there is no new material to be found here.  One of my favorite interviewees is Frank Mancuso Jr., who produced most of the Friday sequels.  To my knowledge, he had never been included in documentaries of this sort, and his commentary is candid and interesting.  All of the Jasons are interviewed, and Derek Mears, who donned the mask in the 2009 reboot, comes across as a genuinely nice, funny guy who truly loves the series.  I had heard original Friday star Adrienne King mention a stalker in previous interviews, but she goes into more detail here.

The Friday the 13th films were heavily cut by the MPAA, a topic which is discussed throughout the documentary.  Even though much of this deleted footage is presumed lost and has never been released, we are given glimpses through storyboards, stills, and very brief, extremely grainy outtakes.  Unfortunately, a good amount of time is dedicated to people recapping the plot of the movies, which gets boring if you've seen the films before, which you presumably have if you're watching a 400 minute documentary about them.  Monica Keena is possibly the worst offender, recapping the entire plot of Freddy vs. Jason in character.

However, the documentary isn't all plot summaries and commercials for the films.  The series is populated with plot holes and inconsistencies, and those are given some attention.  Topics such as script problems, the replacement of actors (surviving footage of Part VIII's original Sean is included), and disagreements among cast and crew are explored.  Most everyone raves about Corey Feldman in The Final Chapter segment, but Ted White (Jason) is vocal about his not-so-positive opinion of the Feldster.  I also dug the inclusion of rare production photos and artwork, most of which I had never seen before.  Crystal Lake Memories is a bit bloated, with some unnecessary inclusions, but it delivers what it promises, and even the most hardcore Friday fan should find something new here.

Crystal Lake Memories comes as a 2 DVD/2 Blu-Ray combo set, presumably to jack up the price for fans.  Those who ordered directly from the Crystal Lake Memories website prior to September 30 also got a bonus DVD containing over 4 hours of additional interviews.

I, Madman

I, Madman has an interesting premise: Virginia (Jenny Wright), a young woman who works at a used book store, comes to realize that the killer from one of her horror stories has somehow crossed over and is committing murders in the real world.  However, the film fails miserably in its execution.

David Chaskin also penned A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, which, while it can hardly be called a classic, was at least entertaining.  That is not the case with I, Madman.  This script is just plain boring, as none of the characters are developed, so we know absolutely nothing about them and do not care when they die.  The madman himself looks somewhat menacing, with a hideously disfigured face which he hides beneath a hat and scarf.  Unfortunately, director Tibor Takács (who also directed The Gate, which I remember enjoying but am scared to revisit after watching this film) fails to build up any tension.  A cheesy stop motion animated claymation monster makes appearances at the beginning and end of the movie, but is largely forgotten in between.  Disappearing for long stretches of the film turned out to be a recurring theme; when a bit player reappeared, I thought that perhaps he would be the murderer, but that was not the case.

Randall William Cook, who plays the madman, isn't especially good, but he stands out amongst the rest of the actors, who seem incapable of conveying any sort of emotion.  Even the climax, which involves the firing of gunshots, a drawn-out struggle to move some books to retrieve the gun, the reading of another novel, the re-emergence of the claymation creature, and a battle between the madman and the monster, fails to elicit much of a response from the actors.  Their characters remain bored, as if this is something they see every day.

I did enjoy the scene in which Virginia describes the killer to the police, making no attempt to not sound completely crazy.  When pressed for a visual description, she replies, "He doesn't have a nose... yet."  And I must mention the most baffling moment in the entire film; before the real-life killings start, Virginia is completely turned on by her horror stories, leading to awesome sex with her boyfriend, yet when the dude spots a copy of a new horror novel at her apartment, he looks disappointed rather than excited.  Just another thing that doesn't make sense about this stupid movie.  Avoid I, Madman at all costs.

Hide and Go Shriek

Hide and Go Shriek begins with a guy carefully applying lipstick, eye shadow, and a fedora before heading out in search of some action.  This is done in close-ups and point-of-view shots so we do not yet know how this man looks.  We can only guess the answer is "not good," judging by the repulsed reactions of the prostitutes he seeks.  Finally finding one who is willing to spend time with him, the guy takes her to a dark alley and knifes her.  She moans slightly, emitting an "ooh" or "eh" sound, before silently crumpling to the ground.

After the opening credits, two guys are working out.  One asks the other to join him in the showers, but, seeing the reluctant look on his pal's face, he urges his friend to "come on," and wags a half-eaten banana in front of his face.  These two make up one-fourth of our group of protagonists, "Eight fabulous friends who got through high school and are going to do great things!" as one over-excitedly exclaims.  First on their list of great things to do is camping out at the furniture store one of their dads owns.  But little do they know they are not alone.

Yes, this truly is a cheesy '80s slasher.  The fashions date the film terribly.  The boys wear suspenders, giant shades, and, in one case, a hideous red/blue/white/yellow/orange-striped button-down shirt over a T-shirt with a penguin on the front.  The girls, meanwhile, are rocking the sideways ponytails with pink bows and hair clips, dinosaur earrings, and half-shirts showcasing their underboobs.  Three of the four girls also follow the hallowed slasher tradition of taking their tops off; one, the so-called virgin of the group, even does a sexy striptease for her boyfriend.  Just in case anyone questions where she learned this, she explains, "I saw that in a porno."

Further dating the film is the music.  As the teens prepare to make their way to the furniture store, a character says, "Everybody, let's..."  "WALK THIS WAY!" the remaining teens joyously exclaim, and "Walk This Way" blares through the speakers.  But this is not Aerosmith's "Walk This Way;" this is, instead, a synth-rock instrumental version of "Walk This Way," and it is delightfully lame.

The acting consists of people wildly screaming and running around, and not just during the chase/kill scenes.  One dude in particular seems to think acting means shouting his lines as loud as he can, bellowing "What's the big DEAL?  Your dad owns the STORE!", mispronouncing "store" as "STOI-ORE" in his zeal.  Most of the other actors manage to avoid shouting, but they do follow this guy's lead of placing emphasis on random words, making lines like, "You're STUPID, JERK-face" and "BUZZ off, BUZZkill" even more laughable.

Hide and Go Shriek is not all fun and games, however, as the film has some of the pitfalls of low-budget slashers.  Overly dark lighting drenches everything in shadows, making it difficult to see what is going on.  Some scenes literally consist of nothing more than murky blackness.  The editing is also poor, with very noticeable jump cuts throughout; it is obvious in some scenes that multiple takes were edited together badly.

The movie suffers from some pacing issues, as well.  When the teens enter the furniture store, they decide to play a game of hide and seek.  This lasts for at least half an hour, making the film drag considerably.  Fortunately, when the teens finally start dying, things pick up a bit, helped along by a killer who dresses in his victims' clothes to lure the other teens in, cackling madly as he runs through the shot, before taking a breather to re-apply his makeup and make comments like, "A housewife's work is never finished."

Hide and Go Shriek is available in both R-rated and unrated versions.  There seems to be little difference between the two, as both run 90 minutes.  The unrated version I saw was neither gory nor scary.  The death scenes were actually rather weak; during most, it was difficult to see what was happening.  The body count was also disappointingly low, especially with "eight fabulous friends!" waiting to be picked off.  Fortunately, though, Hide and Go Shriek is still an enormously entertaining absolute mess.  Fans of '80s cheese will love it.

Dead Alive (aka Braindead)

I've seen hundreds of horror movies, and I can confidently say that 1992's Dead Alive (or Braindead, as it's known outside the US) ranks among the goriest.  Forget The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings; this is director Peter Jackson's masterpiece.  He just doesn't make them like this anymore.

Brain Damage

Writer/director Frank Henenlotter followed up his cult classic debut Basket Case with a film that's just as out there, 1988's Brain Damage.  A parasitic worm named Aylmer escapes his elderly "owners" and makes the acquaintance of a young man named Brian (Rick Hearst).  Aylmer comes equipped with some blue juice which he injects into his host's brains, making Brian see lots of pretty colors.  Brian is immediately addicted to the juice, and he's so wrapped up in his psychedelic hallucinations that he doesn't even realize that Aylmer is sucking people's brains.  And once he finds out, kicking the habit won't be that easy.

"This is the start of your new life, Brian.  A life without worry or pain or loneliness, a life filled instead with colors and music and euphoria."
- Aylmer

When Aylmer first appears, grinning broadly and chirping, "Hi!" in a ridiculously chipper voice, it is utterly delightful.  John Zacherle voices Aylmer like a kindly grandfather or a Disney announcer, and his pleasant-sounding voice conflicts nicely with the fact that he's a parasitic phallic-looking brain-devouring slug.  Aylmer knows that he is the one in control in this relationship, and the scene in which he and Brian engage in a battle of wills to see who can go without whom the longest is executed extremely well.  Aylmer taunts Brian, laughing at him, mocking him, and even singing a show tune as Brian writhes in agony.  It's hilarious in a demented way, but also surprisingly harrowing.  The story is obviously a metaphor for drug addiction, and Henenlotter pulls it off without it feeling heavy-handed.

The violence is gruesome and over-the-top, with at least two outrageously unforgettable sequences: in one, a whole mess of brain matter is pulled out of an ear; in another, a woman finds an unexpected surprise when she goes down on Brian.  Smaller effects, such as a plate of meatballs turning into tiny, pulsating brains, are also well done.

With the exception of Hearst, who manages to make Brian a sympathetic, believable character, the acting is pretty poor.  Jennifer Lowry is bland as Brian's girlfriend (who deals with his junkie-like behavior by hopping into bed with his sleazy brother), while Theo Barnes and Lucille Saint-Peter grossly overact as Aylmer's former owners who want him back.  Additionally, there are some really awkward scenes, including Brian's hallucination of a threesome with his girlfriend and his brother, which the film could have done without.

However, these are minor issues, as Brain Damage is a truly twisted, batshit insane, gorily inventive gem that's unlike anything else out there.

10 American made 1980s slashers

Anyone who's known me for more than a few minutes knows that I'm a horror movie freak.  In honor of Halloween, I've decided to make a list of my favorite films from my favorite sub genre, the slasher film.  Compiling this list proved to be exceedingly difficult, so I narrowed the choices down to only American made movies made in the 1980s, when the slasher craze was in full force.  As a result, films such as Halloween and Black Christmas will not appear here.  I also tried to give some love to lesser known slashers.

Friday The 13th (1980)
A Halloween rip-off which spawned an endless litany of sequels and imitators, this summer camp slasher still holds up well.  What it lacks in character development, it makes up for with inventive death sequences, a simplistic but creepy score, and a great twist ending for first-time viewers.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Twenty years after a deranged miner vowed to go on another killing spree should his small town hold another Valentine's dance, said small town decides to - you guessed it - hold a Valentine's dance.  Bloodshed ensues.  The miner's garb is perfect for masking the killer's identity, the underground mine is dark and claustrophobic, and the death scenes are brutal (at least in the uncut version; stay away from the censored original release), making this one of the best holiday slashers.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
A madman with an electric drill unleashes his fury on a group of teenage girls at a sleepover.  It might not sound like anything special, but feminist Rita Mae Brown wrote the script as a parody of the slasher genre, and director Amy Holden Jones played it straight.  As a result, Massacre adheres to some established genre rules, while subverting others.  The film boasts a sharply satirical sense of humor, a high body count, and, of course, lots of nudity.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
Director Wes Craven added a supernatural element to the slasher film in the form of Fred Krueger, who has the ability to stalk and kill teenagers in their dreams.  This makes for a scary premise - these kids aren't safe even while they sleep - and allows Craven to masterfully blur the line between dreams and reality, so the audience is never quite sure which is which.  Although the sequels would turn Freddy into the wisecracking hero of the piece, here he lurks in the shadows and is completely menacing.  This is without a doubt my favorite slasher.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
One of a handful of Christmas slashers, this was also one of the most controversial films of the decade, condemned by parents, critics (including Leonard Maltin), and Mickey Rooney (who would go on to star in Silent Night, Deadly Night 5).  Interestingly enough, Christmas Evil, which was released four years earlier, also featured a killer in a Santa suit, but no one made a fuss over that.  It's nothing groundbreaking, but it's absurd and perverse, and a fine antidote to the usual sickeningly sweet holiday fare.

The Stepfather (1987)
I don't normally consider this a slasher, but it does feature a homicidal maniac killing a bunch of people in gruesome ways, so I guess it qualifies.  Terry O'Quinn makes this movie, turning in an unnervingly convincing performance as an insane man on the hunt for the perfect family.  O'Quinn uses facial expressions and mannerisms to indicate that something is not quite right beneath his character's calm and placid surface.

Child's Play (1988)
The killer isn't just a doll, but the soul of human serial killer Charles Lee Ray transplanted into the doll.  Director Tom Holland manages some creepy moments, Brad Dourif has a lot of fun voicing Chucky, and Chris Sarandon does a masterful job of controlling a motor vehicle while a killer doll is trying to stab him between the legs.

Hide and Go Shriek (1988)
Okay, this really isn't a good movie, but it is a perfect example of '80s cheese at its finest.  Bad fashion (dinosaur earrings, multi-colored button-down shirts layered over penguin T-shirts), bad music (synth-rock instrumental version of Aerosmith's "Walk This Way"), and bad dialogue (“You're STUPID, JERK-face") abound in this tale of a group of self-proclaimed "fabulous friends who got through high school and are going to do great things" camping out at a furniture store which is inexplicably overrun with mannequins – and a killer who dresses in his victims' clothing. 

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)
Sure, the original has one of the craziest endings out there, but the rest of the film wasn't particularly memorable.  It also took itself far too seriously, playing out as a murder mystery when the murderer's identity was obvious.  Unhappy Campers, on the other hand, makes no such attempt at mystery, focusing instead on gratuitous nudity, inventive kills (battery acid, a guitar string, and a giant toilet are employed as weapons), and cheesy one-liners delivered by a ridiculously perky and bubbly murderer.

Cutting Class (1989)
The death scenes are disappointingly tame, but Jill Schoelen is an appealing heroine, and the film has a healthy dose of campy humor.  Plus, we get to see Brad Pitt (in his film debut) deliver the line, "Your dad's a little bigger than I am.  But not where it counts!"  What more could you ask for?