Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

After Paramount sold the Friday the 13th franchise to New Line, one might think the studio would do a Freddy vs. Jason crossover, as both Friday and Nightmare on Elm Street were now owned by the same studio.  Instead, New Line gave audiences... this - 1993's Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday.

Jason is taken out by the FBI (there's even an airstrike, prompting me to wonder just who in the hell authorized such things), and his body is blown to bits.  However, a coroner is entranced by his blackened heart and chows down on the thing (the heart, not Jason's penis, although we do get a view of that).  It is soon revealed that Jason is actually a shapeshifter who must hop bodies when his current vessel gets weak.  And he is unstoppable, because, as we discover, only a Voorhees can kill him.  Fortunately, Jason just so happens to have a sister (never mentioned in the eight prior installments), Diana, whose daughter Jessica (Kari Keegan) is separated from Steven (John LeMay), the father of her baby. 

Jessica is dating Robert, a newscaster who landed an interview with Creighton Duke (Steven Williams), the also never before mentioned Jason expert/bounty hunter.  Duke gives up some vital information in exchange for the opportunity to break some of Steven's fingers.  Now Steven must convince Jessica that she is the only one who can stop Jason with a mystical dagger during a final battle in the Voorhees house.

It seems like no one involved with the production of this film had any idea just what to do with it, so they just threw in everything they could think on, hoping it would somehow gel together.  The story gets increasingly more ridiculous as it goes along, and it really doesn't feel like a Friday the 13th film thanks to the almost complete absence of Jason in his own body.  Which might be a good thing actually, as the normally-silent Jason grunts and groans like a monkey during the film's opening. 

The original script didn't include any teenagers getting slaughtered in the woods, but one sequence was added based on test audiences' demands.  This scene includes what is easily the best kill in the film, as a girl is sliced right up the middle as she rides her boyfriend.  The rest of the violence comes about when Jason is transferring his essence (read: grimy slug monster) to his victims so he can take over their bodies.  At one point, this involves Jason strapping some dude to a table, giving him a nice clean shave, and leaning in for an open-mouthed kiss.

I could go on about the inconsistencies and stupidity, but I'd be here for days.  This film is pretty much a complete waste of time.  None of the details from the convoluted plot are mentioned in any of the previous or follow-up Jason flicks (yes, shockingly, this was, like 1984's The Final Chapter, not so final), so it's best to just skip The Final Friday and pretend it never happened.